How many of you have heard this profound axiom? I guarantee that this phrase was coined by a woman, because men have a far more succinct way of explaining the concept. ‘Whipped!” That’s what guys say. They see a man who caters to his wife as weak; somehow less of a man. Well, I present myself as a disciple of the church of the happy wife. In fact for my money, “Happy Wife, Happy Life” should be the eleventh commandment.
I have to say that my wife of almost 7 years (my second marriage) is an amazing woman. We both feel that we have a wonderful marriage. Both learned a lot from our first! But the thing is, she’s a woman! She, and all like her, (female) are much different than us poor schlubs. Looking at men and women’s physical characteristics, one would say they are quite different, but I contend the biggest differences are on the inside.
Something you have to understand is that men are raised from a very young age to approach things rationally. We are supposed to be tough, and “stand on our own two feet” and “crying is for sissies”. What a load of crap! Men are just as emotional as women. But society wants us to be different so we’ve learned to suppress it. Women, on the other hand (my queen included, or should I say, especially my queen!) are governed by emotions. Guys, you MUST TAKE THIS INTO ACCOUNT when dealing with them. If you’re going to go into the lion cage, you better know what the hell you’re doing, or you’re going to get mauled! (We all have the scars).
Of course we all want go into the lion cage because, in there, are indescribable pleasures, far too powerful to resist. Not our fault. We were put on this earth to procreate. That’s the Prime Directive. And you thought it was not to interfere with alien cultures! (Star Trek reference for all you godless non-Trekkies) Ha! Shows how little you know. And since women (the smart ones) know this, they have the power, they hold all the cards.
Women, on the other hand were put on this earth to shop. Don’t believe me? Then someone explain to me why a woman will fly half-way around the world; tolerating jet lag, and crowded uncomfortable airplanes; paying exorbitant prices for airfare, and hotels, to buy a pair of shoes? Take your time. I’ve got all day. Seriously; women are here to procreate as well. I realize there is often less than compelling evidence to support this claim. However, we are not supposed to stay together after the deed is done. I’m convinced of this fact. Life would just be an endless string of satisfying, inexpensive (since there would be no shopping involved), bullshit-free, one night stands. Again, society steps in and says get married, have 2.2 kids, and live happily ever after. Seems unnatural but OK, I surrender. The question is how do we pull it off? Well, in my second marriage, I have learned only one thing of consequence; one thing that I can pass down to successive generations. One tiny irrefutable nugget of wisdom. You guessed it. Happy Wife, Happy Life.
It’s not that I’m really into listening to all of her emoting. Some days, I’d rather ram nails into my ears so I would never have to listen to it again. Some days, I’d rather bathe in glass than follow her like a puppy around the mall. Some days, I’d rather join a monastery than deal with her hormone-induced psychosis, every single bloody (pun intended) month! “Honey, what would you like me to pick up for dinner?” I sweetly ask. “I don’t care; just don’t bring back something stupid!” my beautiful orchid replies. “Sweetie, what kind of movie do you want to watch?” I selflessly offer. “I don’t care”, replies my loving mate. “How ’bout a comedy angel?” “No!” “How ’bout a thriller petunia?” “No!” “How ’bout a science fiction snuggle bunny?” No!” How ’bout I swallow some drain cleaner? However, I must draw your attention back to the Prime Directive!
The thing of it is this. You can’t win. She will make you pay! She will even exact a pound or two of flesh if she has to surrender a draw. The reason is because you can’t fight emotion with logic. Ever wonder why Spock never married? If you’re foolish enough to try, the result is always predictable. They never admit defeat. They just get more and more emotional until you give up. At the end of the day, it’s just a whole lot easier to keep the crazy locked away in a box. Don’t open the box, and life is good; happy, one might say.
So guys, its up to you. If you can’t see that in order to get what you need(to be left in peace), you have to listen, and shop, and comfort, and play psychologist; I would suggest switching teams. However, I’m appealing to the pragmatists among you. It’s not about being Mister Wonderful. It’s about getting laid! I’m 56 years old, overweight, gray, wrinkled, and don’t have a lot of money. And yet, my 45 year old (very attractive if I do say so myself) wife still finds me attractive. She still wants to be with me. Go f’ing figure! We still hold hands, we still kiss in public, we still call each other ‘baby’, and ‘angel’ and all that other crap. Yep, I’m whipped! Couldn’t be happier.